Destroyed in Seconds
by M. Christine Armstrong
Summary: Ever hear about the time Hawkeye nearly coldcocked Mustang with her typewriter? Or about the first time Edward ever rode a horse? How about the infamous Men's Room Maintenance Affair and the Great Rat Plot? A catalogue of the various gag gifts, pranks and other moments of insanity that have gained notoriety in Eastern & Central HQ's.
1. Chapter 1

_I realize that I should really work on my Hetalia fics, but let's face it - my Hetalia fics are very, very serious, and once in a while you need something less serious to liven it up. Thus, my first attempt at humor. If you want other (and probably better) FMA humor fics, I recommend '333 and More Ways to Get Kicked Out of HQ,' by iTorchic and 'Supplemental Rules and Regulations,' by Sekhem._

_Fullmetal Alchemist property of Hiromu Arakawa._

_Reader discretion is advised._

* * *

The Colonel's Bowling Ball

One of Roy's methods of unwinding was bowling on Monday evenings. He wasn't that good at it – the colonel was a few strikes below average – but he liked it; it gave him something to do when he was off work. There was, however, a problem:

His ball was not, shall we say, 'aesthetically pleasing.' In fact, it was by far one of the most butt-ugly things most people had ever laid eyes on. It was colored taupe, neon blue and hot pink and – as if _that_ wasn't frightening enough – it had the name **GRETA **emblazoned upon it in lavender cursive.

Roy was willing to bet money that the person who had created 'Greta' was either colorblind or insane, and it didn't do anything for his own image when people at the bowling alley took one look at the thing and ran away yelling "Augh! My eyes!"

So no-one was surprised when Roy said he wanted a new bowling ball for his birthday.

They weren't able to celebrate until after hours, but once the official workday (and the official paperwork) was done, the members of Mustang's crew crammed themselves into his office, brightly wrapped presents and sugar infested foods in tow. The company proceeded to dive into Gracia's apple pie and the colonel opened his gifts. After getting a watch (from Riza) and a potato (from Edward), Roy turned his attention to an object wrapped in tissue paper that Maes Hughes had brought in. It was large, round and heavy; in fact, it was just about the size, shape and weight of…

"Oh, I know what this is," Roy said.

There was a pause as the colonel unwrapped his gift. When he was done, his dismayed cry could be heard at the other end of the base:

"SHIT! IT'S GRETA!"

…

The Water Bottle Incident

When Breda left the office for a coffee break, he took Edward's canteen with him. This puzzled his co-workers, who knew of no reason for Breda to be handling the Fullmetal Alchemist's water bottle.

"What were you doing with that?" said Havoc when Breda had returned.

"Oh, nothing," Breda said, placing the canteen back on Edward's desk.

None of them believed that he'd done 'nothing' with it, but they had a fair amount of work to do and no-one really wanted to deal with a pissed-off Riza Hawkeye, so they didn't press him for details. A few hours went by, and just when Roy Mustang's unit had forgotten about the incident, Edward walked in, with his brother Alphonse in tow.

"Hey, is Colonel Bastard here?" Edward said.

"He's in his office," Riza said. "Go ahead; I think he's expecting you."

Edward thanked her and the two brothers headed towards the colonel's office. Before they went in, however, Edward grabbed his canteen off his desk. The rest of Mustang's unit watched as he carried it with him towards Mustang's office, wondering whether or not they should tell him that Breda had been messing around with it earlier. Before any of them could decide, however, the Elric brothers stepped into the office and shut the door behind them. Havoc, Riza, Furey and Falman exchanged looks, wondering what would happen when Edward decided to take a drink.

They didn't have long to wait; about five minutes later they heard three men yelling and footsteps coming towards the door. When it opened, both Edward and Mustang stood in the doorway, with Alphonse standing right behind them. Edward was red-faced and furious, while Roy had some sort of liquid dripping from the ends of his hair. It was white, opaque and it appeared to be…

"ALL RIGHT, WHICH ONE OF YOU IDIOTS PUT MILK IN MY CANTEEN?!"

It was then that everyone noticed that Breda was not at his desk.

…

The Typewriter

Hawkeye's typewriter was at least twenty years old and prone to various technical difficulties – the ribbon jamming, keys falling off, ink smears, etc. It wasn't really all that surprising when Riza lost her temper with the thing and destroyed it in a brutal fashion; what surprised people was _how_ she destroyed it.

One day, she was trying to type a letter to her grandfather and the typewriter was behaving worse than usual. She hadn't even gotten past _Dear Lt. General Grumman _when the ribbon jammed. After un-jamming it, she tried to move on, only to have some ink spurt out and land right next to her eye a sentence later. Gritting her teeth, she pressed on for another three sentences, which was when the _k_, _i _and _g _keys dislocated themselves. When she'd managed to put the keys back in their correct locations, she typed up three words – and the ribbon re-jammed.

That, as they say, was the straw that broke the camel's back. With a frustrated yell, Hawkeye stood up and pushed her typewriter off her desk and out the window.

It wasn't until she heard the yelp that accompanied the crash that she actually looked out the window.

Roy Mustang stood on the pavement below, pale, shaky and approximately three centimeters to the left of the ruined remains of Riza's typewriter. Riza did the math. If her superior had come by her window just a few seconds later…

Mustang looked up at her and gave her a weak smirk. "I take it this means you need a new typewriter, Lieutenant?"

Hawkeye was too mortified to reply.


	2. Chapter 2

_Okay, I was kinda mean to Roy in the last chapter, so this time, I'm giving him a little reprieve._

_Key word: little_

* * *

From Mustang, With Love

The day before Edward's birthday, Riza caught the colonel sitting at his desk, writing something on a roll of calculator tape.*

"Sir, what are you doing?" she said.

"Oh, nothing important," Roy said. Hawkeye raised an eyebrow, but decided that since Colonel Mustang had completed his paperwork (for once) he could be allowed to mess around for a bit.

A few hours later, the colonel came up to Riza's desk and asked her to get him an empty toilet paper tube.

"Sir, really, what are you doing?" she said.

He gave her a wicked grin and said, "It's for Fullmetal's birthday present. Don't tell him."

Hawkeye wasn't sure how, but knowing Mustang like she did, she knew that the roll of calculator tape and the toilet paper tube had to be related somehow. "Colonel, what exactly are you giving him?"

Mustang winked at her. "You'll see tomorrow."

The next day, when Edward came into the office, Roy walked up to him, handed him a tube-shaped package, and said, "Well, Fullmetal, happy birthday. Here's your present."

Edward's present turned out to be the empty toilet paper tube, with the ends sealed off with wax paper and a slit cut into the side. Poking out of said slit was about an inch of calculator tape with an arrow drawn on it and the words _Fullmetal, pull here_ written on it.

"I'm not going to blow up if I pull this, right?" Edward said.

"Of course not, yea of little faith. Trust me," Roy said.

Edward rolled his eyes but pulled on the on the piece of paper anyway. As it turns out, it didn't blow him up, but he did have to suffer through what the colonel had written on the calculator tape, which included but was not limited to:

A)Several different versions of "Happy Birthday!" (including one in Xingese).

B)A long, poorly written poem praising Roy Mustang's leadership abilities and skill at alchemy.

C)A handful of remarks concerning Winry Rockbell that made Edward blush.

D)All of the verses to the song "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall."

E)A double handful of comments concerning the Fullmetal Alchemist and his automail mechanic that were not appropriate for anyone under the age of thirteen (causing Edward to blush even more than he already was).

F)At least three dozen clichéd and not-so-clichéd pick-up lines.

G)About twenty thinly veiled short jokes.

H)Twenty-two pieces of advice for picking up women.

I)Several jokes that ranged from mildly inappropriate to just downright dirty (causing Edward to ask if the colonel was trying to break his brain).

Finally, at the very end of this roll of calculator tape was a little note that said:

_If you've gotten this far, then I commend your determination. Enjoy your birthday and your present._

_- From your favorite colonel._

"Favorite colonel, my ass," said Edward. "What exactly is this present anyway?" He pulled a little more and saw a hunderd cen note. He pulled a little more and saw another hundred cen note. And another one. And another one. And so on. By the time he'd pulled it all out, he'd counted fifty hundred cen notes, which added up to –

He bolted out of the room, his present raised over his head. "ALPHONSE! WE'RE RICH!"

Hawkeye and her superior couldn't help but chuckle.

…

The Fine Art of Amestrian Rodeo

Eastern HQ had a corral in the back that was used to ride horses. One day, Alphonse noticed that a number of people were gathered around the corral, and when he went out to see what was going on, he found his brother in the corral on a bay mare with Mustang's unit standing around and gawking.

"Uhm, Brother, what are you doing?" Al said.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" said Edward. "I'm riding a horse. Speaking of which, how do I look up here?" He flashed Al a wide smile.

"Erm, all right I guess. But Brother, you've never ridden a horse before. Why are you riding one now?"

"My fault," said Mustang. "I told him he was too short to ride a proper horse. He took offense."

If he'd had eyes at the time, Alphonse would have rolled them. Seriously, he thought, what is with these two? "Well, okay then. But Brother, are you sure you're okay up there?"

"Of course I am. Look at me; I'm doing just fine," said Edward. Seeing that his brother was still not convinced, he added, "C'mon, Al. What could happen?"

It should be pointed out that the phrase "What could happen?" and all related phrases have been banned from most Amestrian military bases, for good reason.

At that moment, Edward's coat scraped against a tree branch, making an audible _scritch! _noise, and the horse did what any sensible horse would do when confronted with a strange noise, i.e., she panicked and started bucking. Edward, having never ridden a horse in his life, didn't know what to do and could only hold on to the saddle horn for dear life, screeching bloody murder. Meanwhile, Al, Mustang and Mustang's squad jumped the fence and tried to catch the mare before she hurt herself or Ed.

What happened next was so bizarre no one would've believed Ed later had he not had several witnesses to back him up. The saddle flew straight over the horse's head, the girth** still intact and Edward still in it. The people of Mustang's unit watched him sail straight over Al's head in stunned, open-mouthed silence. Edward, for his part, was just glad to be off the horse.

Of course, when he landed doing the splits and felt a literal pain in his ass, he rather wished that he'd stayed _on_ the horse.

Fortunately, no one else was hurt, and the doctor told Ed that his hamstring should be back to normal within a few months.

…

Of Misunderstandings and Candy Stashes

After he'd finished eating lunch, Roy found a bag of caramels that had been left on the ground near his seat. Never one to let good candy go to waste, he picked it up and pocketed it. On his way out of the mess hall, he ran into Lieutenant Hawkeye.

"I thought you'd finished eating," he said.

"I did," said Riza, "but I think I left something back in the mess."

"Really? Well, I hope you find it."

"Thank you, sir."

Mustang meandered towards his office, and he was almost there when he ran into Edward, who'd just finished his regular tune-up with his mechanic. They chatted for a while, a little more amiably than usual but still with a healthy mixture of jokes and insults. At one point, Ed dug a paper bag out of his pocket and proffered it to the colonel.

"Rock candy?" he said.

"Sure," said Mustang. "I have some caramels; you want one?"

Just as the colonel had taken the bag of caramels out of his pocket, Hawkeye and Winry came around the corner, talking.

"…Well, if it makes you feel any better," said Winry, "I couldn't find my stash either, even though I'm positive I left it on my work bench."

"I just don't get it," said Riza. "I remember setting the bag down next to my feet when I sat with the colonel, and the next time I look -"

The two women stopped short when they caught sight of Ed and Roy holding two very familiar brown paper bags.

Winry: "Ed…"

Riza: "Colonel…"

Both Ed and Roy: "Oops."

The next anyone saw of the four of them, the elder Elric and Colonel Mustang were running hell-bent for election down the east corridor, trying to simultaneously carry on an argument littered with short jokes and water jokes and explain themselves to the two women chasing them.

Everyone agrees that this little misunderstanding was the opening shot in the Eastern HQ War of the Sexes.

* * *

_*Calculator tape is that thin paper that receipts are printed on. _

_**The girth is the strap that goes around the horse's stomach. It's what holds the saddle in place. _


	3. Chapter 3

_As you can see, there is only one story in this submission. Rest assured, this will not be the norm._

_Oh, and if you have anything you would like me to do, review and let me know. I'm not a very funny person, so your requests could very well keep this thing afloat._

* * *

Eyeless Sarah

It was a really slow day at the office. Not a lot was happening, the paperwork was already finished, and there didn't seem to be any coming in.

So everyone was really, really, _really_ bored.

"Could things get _any _slower?" Winry said as she and Lieutenant Hawkeye walked through the halls.

"I imagine they could, but I'm not sure how," said Hawkeye. "Something had better happen soon; the men are getting antsy."

"Yeah, no kidding." Winry's eyes lit up. "Wait! Riza, I have an idea."

She and Riza stopped right next to the bathrooms and she whispered her idea into Riza's ear. Riza grinned and agreed that it had potential. They stood there for a while, ironing out the details of their plan until they were sure that it would work. Hawkeye went in one direction to set the stage for their plan while Winry went back to Team Mustang's office space.

As she'd suspected, not much was happening. Havoc and Breda were playing poker, Falman was trying to find a music station on the radio, Fuery and Al were playing with some kittens in a cardboard box, the colonel was finishing a conversation on the phone, and Ed was sitting in his chair, looking over his automail.

"How goes it?" said Winry.

"Boring," said Ed. "I'm beginning to think Colonel Bastard wants some paperwork for once."

"He's that desperate?"

"Oh yeah. If nothing else it gives him something to do. Speaking of paperwork, where's Lieutenant Hawkeye?"

"She should be here soon." In fact, Winry could hear the lieutenant's footsteps coming up the hallway. Time to initiate the plan. "Wait a minute! I have an idea! Let's play 'Truth or Dare.'"

"'Truth or Dare,' Winry?" said Edward. "This is the military, not a slumber party."

"Actually," said Mustang, hanging up his phone, "I could use a game. Obviously nothing much is going to happen today, so why not?"

"What game, Colonel?" Riza had finally joined the party.

"Winry wants us to play some stupid game called 'Truth or Dare,'" said Ed.

"Can I play?" said Alphonse.

"Al, you're not supposed to be taking her side! I'm your brother; you're supposed to be taking my side!"

"But Brother, I'm so bored."

"That's enough, you two," said Hawkeye. She turned toward the rest of the squad. "We'll settle this the democratic way."

"Wait, WHAT!?" Edward said. "You're going along with this!?"

"Ed, let's be honest with ourselves. Do you think I'm any less bored than you are? Anyway," she said as she turned back to the squad, "All those in favor?"

Everyone except Ed agreed that the game would be all right. They sat in a circle and Riza started.

"Havoc," she said, "truth or dare?"

"I'll do a dare."

"Very well then. I dare you to ask out Second Lieutenant Rebecca Catalina."

Everyone laughed when they saw how hard Havoc was blushing. "Ca-can I do that a bit later? I wouldn't want to miss the rest of the game after all…"

"Fine, but you have to do it before the workday ends. Your turn."

"All right, let's see…" His eyes caught on Roy and he grinned. "Hey Chief, truth or dare?"

"Truth."

"Who is the most beautiful woman you've ever slept with?"

Roy didn't even bat an eye. "Elisabeth Connelly."

Everyone nodded. They'd suspected as much.

The game continued round the circle, and Breda was dared to pet Black Hayate, Falman had to reveal where he got all his blackmailing material, Fuery had to refrain from bringing cats in the office for a week, and Alphonse had to sing. Finally, someone called on Winry.

"Winry, truth or dare?" said Alphonse.

"Truth."

"What were you and Brother doing at the ice cream parlor yesterday?"

A chorus of "Oooohs" filled the air and Breda elbowed Edward in the ribs.

"Fullmetal finally got himself a date?!" said Mustang. "Oh, they grow up so fast! Someone get me a handkerchief."

"It wasn't a date!" said Ed.

"Well, if you guys weren't on a date, then what were you doing?" said Al.

"Eating ice cream," said Winry.

"Why?"

"Sorry Al, you only get one truth. Now Ed," she said, turning to the elder Elric, "truth or dare?"

Edward paused to think for a moment. Out of the corner of her eye, Winry saw Riza straighten a little, and she knew why. In order for their plan to work, Ed had to agree to a dare, and they couldn't force it on him or it would be too suspicious. Winry felt her fingers cross. _Please say dare, please say dare, please say dare…_

"You know what," said Ed, "I could go for a dare."

_Yes! _"Alright, Ed," she said. "I dare you and the colonel to summon Eyeless Sarah."

Edward raised an eyebrow. "Who the hell is Eyeless Sarah?"

"What, you don't know?" said Riza. "Eyeless Sarah is the ghost that haunts women's bathrooms. Legend has it that she was a State Alchemist who was blinded and stabbed by her husband and his mistress, who then left her to die in one of the women's bathrooms and fled with Sarah's baby."

"And what, she haunts this bathroom seeking revenge?" said Colonel Mustang.

"Not exactly," said Winry. "They say that anyone can summon her, but they have to be in a bathroom that is frequented by at least one female to do it. What you have to do is go in, turn off the lights, find the sink, light a candle and put it on the counter. Then you spin around and say 'Eyeless Sarah' three times before you stop, look straight in the mirror and say 'I'm sorry about your baby, Eyeless Sarah.' Then she appears behind you and if you show no fear, she'll let you live." Her voice got lower. "But if you do show fear, she screams so loud you go deaf, and then…"

She let it hang for a few seconds. Just as she'd hoped, Ed and Mustang started to squirm.

"SHE RIPS YOUR EYES OUT!" Winry said.

Both Edward and Roy jumped six feet in the air, but managed to right themselves before anyone could comment. Winry and Riza were pleased. Their plan was working beautifully.

"All right, then," said Ed, "where are we going to summon this Eyeless Sarah?"

Hawkeye led the group to a women's bathroom on the first floor that was being renovated. Roy and Ed went inside. Inside, the restroom was as lightless as a cow's stomach, and the two men had to feel their way around to the sinks. Once they got there, Edward set a candle on the counter and Mustang lit it using alchemy. The shadows that the candle cast were long and black, and the two could only see the vaguest outline of shapes.

"Ever get the feeling you're being watched?" said Edward.

"Oh, yes," said the colonel. "Let's get this over with and leave; this place gives me the creeps."

So they turned in circles, chanting "Eyeless Sarah, Eyeless Sarah, Eyeless Sarah." The third time they said "Eyeless Sarah," they stopped spinning, looked straight into the mirror, and said, "I'm sorry about your baby, Eyeless Sarah."

For a few seconds, nothing happened. Then, the two men heard a loud _slam! _of metal hitting metal, and they spun around.

"Do you see her?" said Ed.

"Are you kidding? I can't see anything!" Roy said. He picked up the candle and looked around, but even with the candle he couldn't see much; it was simply too dark.

The two of them decided to look for the source of the noise they'd heard earlier, but they didn't find any other people in the bathroom. They did find, however, the door to the middle stall wide open.

"Okay, so now we know what that noise was," said Edward. "Now we just need to figure out who threw the door open."

The two men turned away from the stall to investigate further –

From the hallway, the rest of Mustang's unit heard screaming. Havoc, Breda, Fuery, Falman and Al all jumped up to save the colonel and the Fullmetal Alchemist from whatever was attacking them, but Hawkeye stopped them.

"Wait just a moment," she said.

A few seconds later, the door opened, revealing Second Lieutenant Rebecca Catalina with red makeup trailing down her cheeks from her eyes and a blindfold in one hand. Right behind her were Edward and Mustang, both of them as white as ghosts and twitching.

"Sorry Riza, Winry, but I think I broke them," said Rebecca.

"Looks like you did," said Riza. "I'm sure they'll be fine though."

No one missed the evil little smiles that crept onto Winry and Hawkeye's lips, and the two maligned alchemists swore to avenge themselves the instant the shock wore off.

"Oh, Jean?" said Rebecca.

"Yeah?" said Havoc.

"I was told there was something you wanted to ask me?"

Riza and Winry started giggling as Havoc went bright red.


	4. Chapter 4

_Kinda short this time. Sorry. _

_I'm still open to suggestions. In fact, I'm trying to figure out something I can do with two OC's I have. They're best friends and one specializes in electricity-alchemy and the other specializes in water-based alchemy. Any ideas?_

_Anyway - the war of the sexes continues!_

* * *

Feeling the Heat

Edward got up earlier than usual one day and went down to the 24-hour market on 8th Avenue. He perused the isles for a while until he found a bottle filled with a red-orange liquid. He bought the bottle and headed back towards his dorm, but before he actually got there he stopped at the phone booth on base. After he'd waited there for about five minutes, Colonel Mustang showed up.

"Did you get it, Fullmetal?"

Edward pulled the bottle from his coat. "It's the strongest stuff they have. You think it'll work?"

Mustang took the bottle from him and examined it. "Yes, this should do nicely. Good work, Elric. Now, leave the rest to me."

The two alchemists parted ways. Ed went back to his dorm to avoid suspicion, while Roy went to his office on base and brewed a pot of coffee and some hot chocolate. He poured the hot liquid into cups, and then paused. He looked over the cups until he found a teacup with the initials _R.H. _on the side and a tin cup with the logo of Rockbell Automail on it. He took out the bottle that Edward had gotten him and put two drops into each cup. Then he put in an extra drop, for good measure.

Three minutes later, Team Mustang, the Elric brothers, and Winry Rockbell filed in and grabbed their cups of warm caffeine (or, in Ed and Winry's case, chocolate).

"Chief, you're a lifesaver," said Havoc.

Roy looked over at Riza and grinned. "Hey, you hear that, Lieutenant? I save lives!"

"Good," said Hawkeye. "Then it shouldn't be too much trouble for you to finish your paperwork today." She took a drink.

At the same time, Winry was looking over Ed's arm.

"Hey, what do you think, Winry?"

"Well, at least you haven't completely destroyed it. Again." she said. She picked up her own cup and took a drink.

The Ocsabat sauce Ed had picked up kicked in fast. Within a few seconds, Hawkeye and Winry's faces were quite pink and beads of moisture formed on their upper lips. Subsequent drinks from their cups only worsened their condition, until they were both bright red, panting, and sweat was trickling down their faces.

"Are you two okay?" said Falman.

"I-I think so," said Winry. "I just feel so hot for some reason."

"Yeah, me too," said Riza.

"Here," Edward said, placing cups of iced tea in front of the two women. "Maybe this'll help."

Riza and Winry thanked him and each took a large swallow. Two seconds later, they both jumped out of their seats and ran out the door, yelling "Hot! Too hot!"

The rest of Mustang's squad was so busy trying to figure out what was up with the women, they didn't notice Edward and Mustang clicking their cups together.

…

An Intruder in HQ

Roy Mustang was already having a long day when the cook who ran Eastern's cafeteria came barging into his office, screeching bloody murder.

"What happened?" he said.

"There's a…! There's a-a-a…! In my vegetables…! GET IT OUT!" Then she ran out of the room, still screeching.

Roy looked over at his subordinates. "Did any of you understand one word she said?"

Hawkeye: "No, sir."

Havoc: "Not a word, Chief."

Breda: "I got nothin'."

Falman: "I heard something about vegetables."

Fuery: "Me too. Otherwise it was indecipherable."

Edward: "I didn't get it either. Looked pretty spooked, though."

Alphonse: "Maybe we should check her kitchen out; see what's wrong."

There wasn't a whole lot of paperwork, so everyone agreed to look into whatever the cook was freaking out about. They tramped down to the cafeteria and started looking around. Alphonse was looking through the vegetable pantry when he saw a shadow loom over him. Gasping, he looked up.

"Guys, I think I found what the cook was so freaked out about," Al said. Mustang's team looked over at Alphonse to see him holding the perpetrator.

Mustang: "She freaked out over _that_?"

Riza: "It appears so, Colonel."

Havoc: "One question: why?"

Breda: "He doesn't look like he could hurt a fly if it bit him."

Falman: "It is pretty illogical. I've never known of this particular creature ever hurting anyone."

Fuery: "And really, he's so cute! Why would you be afraid of him?"

Edward: "_That_, Fuery, is the question. Who the hell would be afraid of a _rabbit_?"


End file.
